The Sam

The Sam Award is given annually for the best melodramatic performance in real life. The Sam, as it’s referred to, is named after Sam Goldberg. Nobody knows who Sam Goldberg is, but it’s named after him anyway.

            This year’s award ceremony is scheduled to be held in the second floor dining room of the McDonald’s on 42nd Street in Times Square.

            All submissions must be videotaped to be considered and simultaneous submissions are allowed as well as uploading to YouTube, however, each submission must be appropriate to the category and careful reading of the guidelines is suggested.

            Categories include: Toddler (probably accidental), Terrible Twos, Pre-teen, Teenager, Semi-adult, Middle-aged and Oldie-but-Goodie.

            This year’s submissions have been highly contentious and the review committee nearly came to blows repeatedly as they battled to dwindle down the nearly two hundred thousand videos into five finalists in each category.

            As the months passed several reviewers actually had to be hospitalized from stress and two were actually accosted in their local Walmart and the police had to be called to break up the fracas created by the altercation.

            Because of the number of submissions and the volatility of the contestants and the reviewers the date of the actual awards ceremony was changed from April 1st to September 11th to coincide with Grandparents Day.

            On the actual night of the event there was a torrential rain over-taking Manhattan Island and, tempers already nearing the breaking point from the competition itself, were exacerbated by the tempest going on both outside and in.

            As soon as Rona Davenport, the evening’s hostess, walked on stage and started to speak a member of the audience shouted that “the whole thing is fixed!”

            Then a woman at the other end of the dining room screamed that “my daughter didn’t have a chance!”

            Poor Rona did her best to try to quiet the ever increasing number of people shouting and making various demands and, finally, in a torrent of vocal outrage the first punch was thrown followed immediately by one in response and then another and another and another until a full-blown brawl ensued and the entire Sam Award organization fled leaving the NYPD to deal with the melee they left behind.

            The next morning every newspaper had, as front page news, that 11 had been hospitalized and 63 treated and released after the Sam Award brawl.

            The article concluded with a brief statement that the Sam Awards were hereby cancelled indefinitely.

The End

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